DCACP Blog

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes – men and women.” - Unknown

Is child support taxable or deductible?  Do I file as Head of Household now that my spouse has moved out?  I paid the mortgage on the house; do I get to take the mortgage interest deduction? Can we still file jointly this year, if we are separated?  Tax questions are always part of the financial discussion of any divorce process.  Information about tax consequences is usually needed to evaluate options, make decisions and reach a financial settlement.  Although it’s not likely that you’ll make any decision solely based on the taxes involved, understanding the tax implications can be helpful.

The Collaborative process provides an opportunity for you both to use one financial neutral to answer your questions about income taxes. The financial neutral is a Certified Public Accountant (CPA) or a financial specialist with specialized training in divorce tax rules and regulations.  The financial neutral can provide estimates of the tax consequences of the sale of the marital home, the sale of other assets, a change in income due to alimony, or a distribution of retirement assets.   The tax impact is additional data used in the evaluation of options that could become part of your settlement agreement.

The questions that follow are a sample of frequently asked questions.  The answers are based on IRS tax rules and regulations.  You may consider this and other tax information in developing and evaluating options for a financial settlement that takes into account your unique situation and circumstances.

Can I file as Head of Household?

1. You can file as head of household if you are unmarried or ‘considered unmarried’ on December 31st AND you paid more than ½ the cost of keeping up a home for the year AND a ‘qualifying person’ lived with you in the home for more than ½ the year.
2. You are ‘considered unmarried’ if you file a separate return AND you paid more than ½ the cost of keeping up your home for the year AND your spouse did not live in the home during the last six months of the year AND your home was the main home of your child AND you can claim an exemption for the child.
3. A ‘qualifying person’ is generally your unmarried child or grandchild who lives with you more than ½ the year.   (Talk to an accountant or tax preparer if you have questions about whether your child or other relative is a qualifying person.)
4. In the Collaborative process, since couples usually have a shared custody arrangement for their children, with two or more children, both mother and father can file as Head of Household by arranging their custody schedule appropriately to follow IRS requirements.

Who claims the dependency exemption for our child?

1. Generally, the custodial parent claims the dependency exemption (however, see the next question below).   By IRS regulations, if your child lives with you more than ½ of the year, then you are the custodial parent, and can claim the child as your dependent, if other age and relationship tests are satisfied. For information about other requirements (age, relationship, etc.), talk to your accountant, tax preparer or Collaborative financial neutral.

Can I ‘give’ the dependency exemption for our child to my spouse or former spouse?

1. The custodial parent can give the non-custodial parent the ability to claim the dependent exemption for a child.  In order to do this, the custodial parent signs a Form 8332 to release his or her claim to the child’s exemption.  The non-custodial parent must then attach a copy of the signed Form 8332 to his or her return to claim the child as a dependent.
2. In the Collaborative process, since parents usually have a shared custody arrangement for their children, with two or more children, the parents can evaluate the option of ‘giving’ the exemption to the non-custodial parent to achieve tax savings.

Is child support deductible?

1. Child support is not taxable income to the parent who receives it. Child support is not tax deductible for the parent who pays it.

We are getting divorced this year.  Can we still file as married filing jointly this year?

1. You must be married on December 31st to file a tax return as married filing jointly.

I am ‘buying out’ my spouse’s ownership interest in the house.   Will there be any tax due?

1. Generally, there are no taxes due, when one spouse ‘buys out’ the other spouse for his or her ownership interest in the house.  The IRS considers this transaction to be a transfer of property incident to a divorce and, therefore, no gain or loss is recognized on the transfer.

My husband made several payments to me before we had an interim agreement that specifies alimony payments.  Can he deduct the payments made before the agreement was done?

1. No, in order to deduct payments to a spouse as alimony the payments must be made under a written divorce or separation agreement. 

Who claims the mortgage interest deduction?

1. If you paid 100% of the mortgage payment (principal and interest) on a qualified home that is held in joint tenancy, then:
   1. deduct ½ of the payment as alimony paid and
   2. deduct ½ of the mortgage interest paid on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions). 
   3. Your spouse must include ½ of the mortgage payment as alimony income, but can also then deduct ½ of the mortgage interest paid on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions).
2. If you paid 100% of the mortgage payment (principal and interest) on a qualified home that is held as tenants by the entirety, then you can deduct all of the mortgage interest paid on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions). 

(For questions about a qualified home, consult your accountant, tax preparer or Collaborative financial neutral.)

Who claims the real estate tax deduction?

1. If you paid the real estate taxes and the home is held as tenants in common, then:
   1. deduct ½ of the real estate taxes paid as alimony paid and
   2. deduct the other ½ of the real estate taxes paid on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions). 
   3. Your spouse must include ½ of the real estate taxes as alimony income, but then can deduct that same amount as a real estate tax deduction on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions).
2. If you paid the real estate taxes and the home is held as tenants by the entirety or in joint tenancy, then you can deduct all of the real estate taxes on Schedule A (Itemized Deductions). 

We paid estimated taxes to the IRS.  Can we split these payments?

1. If you and your spouse made joint estimated tax payments but file separate returns, either of you can claim all of the payments made, or you can divide them in any way that you both agree.  It’s a good idea to attach an explanation of how you and your spouse divided the payments to each tax return.
2. If you claim any of the payments on your tax return, enter your spouse’s or former spouse’s social security number in the space provided on the front of Form 1040 or Form 1040A.

Can I deduct the cost of the divorce?

1. You cannot deduct all legal fees, but you may be able to deduct legal fees paid for tax advice in connection with a divorce.  Tax advice is advice on federal, state, income, estate, gift, inheritance and property taxes.  You may also be able to deduct legal fees paid to get or collect alimony.  You should ask your attorney for a breakdown of fees paid that shows the amount charged for each service performed in order to document the legal fees paid for tax advice or paid to get alimony.
2. You cannot deduct court costs.
3. You may be able to deduct fees you paid to appraisers and accountants for tax advice, services related to determining your tax liability or help in getting alimony.
4. You cannot deduct the costs of personal advice or counseling, even if they are paid, in part, to achieve a financial settlement.
5. You cannot deduct fees you pay for your spouse, unless those payments qualify as alimony.
6. You claim the deductible fees on Form 1040, Schedule A, as miscellaneous itemized deductions, subject to the 2%-of-adjusted-gross-income limit.
7. You can add legal fees that you pay specifically for a property settlement to the basis of the property you receive.  

The information above is of a general nature only; you should always check with your own accountant or tax preparer for tax advice related to your specific situation.  In the Collaborative process, your financial neutral can answer your tax questions. 

Resolving your financial issues may seem like a daunting task at first, but, with the help of the Collaborative team and the financial neutral, you and your spouse will reach a shared understanding of how to proceed, and be able to move forward with a sound financial plan for the future.

Cynthia Zagorski is a Certified Public Accountant, Certified Financial Planner ®, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ^TM who focuses her practice on the financial issues related to divorce and separation. She has substantial experience as a collaborative financial neutral. She also works with clients and their attorneys in negotiation, litigation and mediation.

An article starting on the front page of the Washington Post for January 8^th stated that President Obama and the leaders of the branches of the US military, the National Security Council and the Secretary of Defense utilized “an astonishingly open and positive collaborative process” to arrive at agreement as to the “size, scope and mission of the armed forces in a new age of austerity.”  This agreement with the country’s military leaders puts the President in a strong position when his defense budget goes to Congress.

President Obama’s process has many areas of commonality with the Collaborative process we Collaborative practitioners use with divorcing couples and other parties seeking an effective process to assist them in resolving their issues.  First, experienced parties on both sides, particularly Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and National Security Advisor Thomas Donilon, structured and guided the process.  The group sat around a set of tables arranged in a square.  The group identified a common goal (to ensure that cuts in military spending would remain consistent with the country’s changing national security priorities and to build a strategic rational to defend those choices to Congress), and then identified choices (read  “options”) that addressed the goal.  The meetings continued, with choices being generated and evaluated until buy-in was achieved and consensus was reached.  It was apparent that Secretary of Defense Panetta, in particular and in contrast to his predecessors, was able to let go of the outcome and to strive instead for consensus.  “Panetta has been very collaborative,” a senior military officer said.

Perhaps there is hope for our country if Collaboration has reached even this entrenched part of our national decision-making process.  

-Mary S. Pence

The New Year is an ideal time to set new goals, initiate important change and commit to improving your life.  If you are contemplating divorce or are already in the process this article provides you with important  information to help you through this difficult process.   I remember my divorce as  a very stressful and emotionally charged time where I often felt alone, scared, hurt, angry or sad - all in various degrees,  at various times and sometimes all at once.  It helps to be prepared for the process by getting organized and utilizing available resources.  Smart divorce planning can help facilitate a smoother, more efficient and less costly divorce and a more positive process and outcome.

 Money and finances are the number one cause for divorce in the United States.  If you and your spouse didn’t agree on finances during the marriage, it is highly unlikely that you will agree during the divorce.  With emotions running high, the process of divorce can escalate and compound your financial issues.  To get through this critical segment as smoothly as possible, it is essential that you acquire and organize all your financial information.  If you are like most people, your financial records and statements are scattered, out of date or simply not handy.  Make a list of all that you own and owe, obtain or create a checklist of documents you need (using the resources listed below) and collect and copy the information suggested.  The documents needed will include statements and information on your assets and debts, pensions and life insurance policies as well as tax returns, credit reports, prenuptial agreements and any other pertinent information. Create a separate file for all this information in a safe place and update it regularly.  You and the professionals helping you through your divorce will be glad you did.

 Create a list of all your documents and items that will need to be changed (such as wills, medical directives, beneficiaries of life insurance policies and retirement accounts, joint bank accounts, credit cards, mortgages,  title on automobiles and home(s)).  Some of these items should be changed immediately, others as you proceed through the divorce process and a few must wait until after the divorce is final.  Amidst the turmoil and chaos of a divorce it is easy to forget to make these changes, and this can be a costly oversight. 

A key piece of financial information that is used to demonstrate need, determine alimony and child support and plan for your future life is a budget of your expenses.  Since most families do not track expenses on a regular basis the task of preparing a budget can be daunting.  It doesn’t need to be.  Below is a simple guideline to help you prepare your expense statement.  You will need separate budgets for yourself, your spouse and your minor children.

• Obtain or create a blank expense budget form (resources listed below).
• Obtain and review the past year’s bank statements and credit card statements for your spending history and habits.
• Determine the total amount spent for each category of expense listed on the budget. 
• Separate out the expenses out for yourself, your spouse and your children. 
• Divide the annual expense amount by 12 to determine the monthly average expense.
• If there were any extraordinary or nonrecurring expenses that you will no longer have, make sure that they are not included in your budget.
• Adjust for any anticipated increases or decreases to any expense category.
• Add any new expenses.
• Keep notes of all your assumptions and adjustments.

Tips on preparation:

• The usual and recurring monthly expenses (such as mortgage, rent, utilities…) are easy to track.
• Variable and discretionary expenses (such as travel, dining out, recreation and children’s activities…) are difficult to track.  If you have known expenses such as an annual family trip, children’s summer camp or lessons the actual amount can be entered. Where the numbers are less specific, estimate the amount based on lifestyle and habits and be sure to note how you estimated.
• Account for uses of cash withdrawals from ATMS and bank accounts.
• Review your budget and make sure it makes sense based on your income and lifestyle.

A budget form and document checklist may be obtained on line at the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (IDFA) website  http://institutedfa.com/Public.php?Checklists-and-Worksheets-28 or from your family law attorney or divorce financial planner.

Additional resources and divorce related information are available on line at the District of Columbia Academy of Collaborative Professionals  www.dcacp.org, and International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, www.collaborativepractice.com , as well as the IDFA website.

Jane M. Ochsman is a Certified Public Accountant, Certified Financial Planner and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and is mediation and collaboratively trained.  As a divorced parent she has first-hand experience with the financial difficulties and complexities faced by divorcing families. Jane is the Director of Financial Planning and Litigation Support at May & Barnhard, PC in Bethesda, MD and is Secretary of the District of Columbia Academy of Collaborative Professionals.  She may be reached at jochsman@may-barnhard.com

Finally – remember that as time passes, the holidays will transform for you and become, again, a time to enjoy.

Lisa Herrick, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Coach and Mediator; She is also divorced, with two children. Eventually she remarried, and with a lot of work, redesigned her holiday traditions.

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict

- Dorothy Thompson

So you and your spouse have decided to engage in the collaborative process and you have both retained attorneys, along with mental health professionals who will serve as divorce coaches.  You have discussed the use of other professionals and understand that they may be brought in to the process if it seems appropriate.  Now what happens?  What can you expect?  What will be expected of you and your spouse?   What can you expect of the professionals you have engaged?

 Much of the literature describes collaborative practice as being a more civilized way to resolve disputes.  It offers parties the opportunity to explore their own needs and interests and find solutions that meet the needs of the entire family.  And, the agreements that are reached tend to be more lasting, durable agreements.   All true, but that does not mean that it is an easy process.   There is conflict at the heart of divorce and that conflict should be  acknowledged and addressed.  What collaborative practice offers is the prospect of identifying and working through that conflict with the help and support of experienced professionals.

And, with those professionals, couples can prepare for conflict,  become aware of their own conflict styles and develop skills for effectively resolving conflict.  These skills are  invaluable- not just in reaching an agreement now but in the future- continuing to co-parent together, through birthdays, holidays, marriages and other passages of life.     

So, working with the basic premise conflict is inevitable and that it can be addressed in a productive fashion, here are three tips.  

1. Trust the professionals and be honest with them.  If you will allow your lawyer and coach to be honest with you, they can be of enormous help in working through a conflict.  Take for example a common issue in divorce, which is who will stay in the family home.   There is the court-based solution,  win-lose, that is one party stays in the home and the other needs to create a new home for his or her self.  Or, even a lose-lose solution, in which the home is sold and the proceeds divided, but now both parties have to create new homes.  But, what if each of you is asked to think about the following:   how did you arrive at your decision, what factors did you consider and weigh, what other ideas did you consider, what information did you rely on, do you know  whether the other’s position is fixed or flexible, have you talked with others and was there agreement or disagreement with your idea.    You may be surprised to learn that you and your partner want the same thing for very different reasons.  Once you have examined what is important to both of you, the opening is there to find shared solutions that meet both of your needs.  
2. Practice non-defensive communication skills.    Often, instead of listening, we try to defend ourselves and offer explanations for our behavior.  Or, when we feel we are being criticized, we respond with a counter-criticism.  The following conversation may seem familiar to you:
   

   Husband:   I tuned out because you nagged me.
   Wife:  I nagged you because you tuned out.
   

   Instead of reacting immediately with a counter-attack, try to take a step back.  Ask the other person what he or she meant.   If the Wife asks Husband what he meant by his statement, he might say, “I always felt as though you were  criticizing me when you asked me if I had completed something you had asked me to do and rather than getting angry, I tried to pretend that I didn’t  feel anything.”  Being non-defensive does not mean that you are defenseless.    If you can respond non-defensively, simply asking for more information and clarification, rather than engaging in a counter-attack, the conversation can take a very constructive turn.  
3. Pay attention to your own conflict resolution style and be open to learning new ways.  Dr.  John Gottman, a renowned expert in marital stability and divorce prediction, studied hundreds of married couples.  He observed that many try to solve conflict in the same way that their families did.   One of the problems in your marriage might have been due to you and your partner  trying to resolve every conflict the same way, with little success- and the ensuing conflict just became more and more frustrating.   Engaging in the collaborative process can be an opportunity to learn  new ways of  having a difficult conversation.   Again, conflict will not disappear but it can be the basis of building something new.   It isn’t so much that you and your  partner  change your behaviors, but rather that you learn a different way of relating to one another that is more productive, thoughtful and peaceful. 

Divorce can be a scary, painful time.  It can be difficult to look to the future rather than re-hash the past.   There may be deep conflicts that partners would rather forget than resolve.  There is an African proverb, “smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.”    If you can face your conflict, it does not have to be a win-lose proposition.   With the collaborative process, a new, more satisfying  dance can be created.   

Andrea Hirsch is a family lawyer in Washington, D.C.  Trained in mediation and collaborative practice, she actively promotes these alternate forms of dispute resolution. Andrea is a founding member of the  Collaborative Dispute Resolution Professionals and the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals and in   2010, Andrea became a co-founder and principal of the Collaborative Practice Center of Greater Washington. 

For many people, one of the most painful and anxiety-producing aspects of their decision to divorce is concern about the impact on their children.  Will the children feel abandoned? Betrayed? Angry? Grief-stricken? Will they feel stigmatized in their community? Will they be tortured by a life disrupted by frequent transitions between houses?  Will their capacity to form loving relationships in the future be compromised?  While these are natural questions, the research is clear: your divorce will always be a sad memory for your children and a pivotal event in their lives, but it need not be a bad developmental turning point.  If you can protect your children from conflict between you and your ex, and if the two of you can mutually support your children in having a full, rich relationship with both of you, your kids can do fine.

Still, divorce inevitably brings with it a massive change in the status quo-- disruptions to known routines, losses, and a plethora of attendant feelings-- including sadness, anger, confusion, grief, and (sometimes) relief.  In many ways, life as your family has known it is gone-- and it takes time for everyone to settle into a “new normal.” You’ll inevitably notice that, like you, your children are on an emotional roller coaster.  Some acting out, regressive behaviors and enhanced emotional sensitivity are to be expected in the wake of their parents’ separation.  So how do you know when your child’s difficulties are of the ordinary sort (and likely to settle down on their own) and when your child could benefit from psychotherapy? Here are some clues that it’s time to get a consultation:

• Problems with eating or sleeping (including nightmares that don’t go away)
• Excessive difficulties with separation
• A consistently sad or melancholy mood
• Physical complaints with no distinguishable cause (such as headaches or stomach aches) that don’t go away with reassurance
• Disinterest in friends or trouble getting along with peers
• Bullying/ being bullied
• Deteriorating school performance
• Difficulty concentrating
• The new appearance of agitation or fidgetiness
• Extreme or unrealistic fears/phobias
• Excessive or public masturbation
• Accident proneness
• Decrease in self-esteem
• Fatigue or apathy
• Excessive weight loss or weight gain
• Aggressive behaviors toward self or others (such as biting, hitting, or scratching)
• Cruel behaviors (such as torturing animals)
• Risky or acting out behaviors (such as lighting fires)
• Constant rudeness and “talking back”
• Defiance of authority (such as disregard for schools rules, skipping school, or ignoring curfew)
• Heavy drinking
• Drug use
• Stealing
• Excessive lying
• The appearance of obsessive or compulsive rituals (such as hand-washing or pulling out hair)
• Preoccupation with death
• The wish to die (IMPORTANT NOTE: IF YOUR CHILD EXPRESSES A FEELING THAT LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING GET HELP RIGHT AWAY-- DO NOT TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO DETERMINE IF THIS IS A “REAL” OR “SERIOUS” PROBLEM)

Finally, here are some tips for helping to prepare your child to see a therapist for the first time, as well as some ways you can support your child in having a successful therapeutic experience.

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR THERAPY: THE 5 KEY ELEMENTS:

1)  Wait for a calm moment.  Don’t raise the issue of therapy when either of you is angry or upset, especially following an argument or crisis (such as a child running away).  If she’s riled up, your daughter won’t be able to take in what you’re saying.  And if you’re angry, she’s likely to think of therapy as a punishment.

2)  Identify the problem.  Tell your child what you see that has you worried for him.  You might say, “Honey, I know you’ve been getting into a lot of fights at school.” Or: Daddy and I have noticed that you’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.

3)  Offer compassion.  Tell your child you know he’s been unhappy and you want to help.  For example, say “It must be really hard to have the other kids angry at you.” Or: “Nightmares can be really scary.  No one likes to be scared.”

4)  Explain therapy. Once you’ve identified the problem and offered compassion, tell your child you’ve been to see someone who can help.  You might say something like: “Sometimes when children like you feel scared a lot of the time, it helps to go to a person whose job it is to help kids understand their feelings and worries by talking and playing about them.  Daddy and I went to meet a person like that last week.  Her name is Dr. Kelly and she’s really nice.  She’s a kind of doctor for feelings, not for your body.  We think if you met with her a few times, it might help you to understand why you’ve been having those nightmares. Then you won’t have to feel scared anymore.”

5)  Don’t get discouraged. No matter how gentle you are, your child may become angry or defensive.  He may say, “There’s nothing wrong with me,” or “I don’t get nightmares anymore.” Remain calm and stay the course.  Just say, “Ok, well if you and Dr. Kelly decide that you’re not scared anymore, Daddy and I will be very happy.  But we love you, and for now this is what we think is best.”

TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD SUCCEED IN THERAPY:

1)  Don’t “grill” your child after sessions. It’s a tall order, but try to resist the urge to ask your child for reports on his therapy.  Questions like “What did you and Dr. Kelly talk about today?” are likely to meet with either silence or an answer designed to please you.  It’s much better to let your child’s therapy be a private place, and to use your meetings with the therapist to get the information you need.

2)  Remind your child that she has therapy as a resource, but don’t harp on it.  When issues or difficulties come up for your child, there’s nothing wrong with gently suggesting that she talk about them in therapy.  For example, if your daughter gets in a fight at school, you could say “You know, honey, if you feel like talking with Dr. Kelly about what happened, she might be able to help you with the problems you’re having on the playground.” But try not to bring therapy up too often, or your child will feel you’re intruding.  If there’s something you want your child’s therapist to know, the best bet may be to call her yourself.  It’s best to inform your child beforehand, though, so he won’t feel the adults are conspiring.

3)  Don’t use therapy as a threat or form of discipline.  A comment like “If you don’t start cooperating I’m going to tell Dr. Kelly” is counterproductive.  A better one would be: “Lately it’s been really hard for you to cooperate with me and Mommy.  I think it would be a good idea for us to talk to Dr. Kelly about ways we can all get along better.”

Kate Scharff, LICSW, LCSW-C

Ms. Scharff is a child, adult, and family psychotherapist, divorce consultant, mediator, and Collaborative Practitioner/trainer.  She is the President of the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals, a founder and Principal of the Collaborative Practice Center of Greater Washington, and the author of two books: “Therapy Demystified: An Insider’s Guide to Getting the Right Help,” and “Navigating Emotional Currents in Collaborative Divorce: A Guide to Enlightened Team Practice.”

As a longtime family law attorney and mediator in Washington, D.C., I recently met with a very unhappy couple who was looking for legal help to sort out their affairs as they struggled through the painful decision to separate and divorce.

Speaking of affairs, the marriage had ended in an instant. In a "snap," as Martha might say in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Edward Albee's bitterly painful peak into one married couple's particularly painful dysfunction.

The husband who sat in my office had a one-night tryst with another woman while away on business. The wife, following a suspicion, snuck a peak at his blackberry and confronted her husband. The husband admitted the adultery. The wife felt her world go black. It was as if everything she had known, everything that she relied on - for better or for worse - was gone, in a snap. 

The wife, feeling hurt and betrayed certainly, and also feeling humiliated beyond words, kicked her husband out of the house immediately. The husband, hating himself for his selfishness and stupidity and barely able to stand the pain he inflicted on his wife, complied. Before he knew it, he found himself sitting alone in a rented apartment, with the family's old couch and TV, and the couple's bed (as the wife no longer wanted it in the home). Life as he knew it was over, in a snap. 

After 15 years and three children, the couple was now trying to disentangle their very-intertwined day-to-day lives while simultaneously navigating the emotional tidal waves that accompany divorce.  They had some urgent questions: 

• Could they afford the housing and living expenses of both the family home and the husband's new apartment? • What about the children, what about custody? 

• Was it OK for the children to sleep at the husband's new apartment?

• How would the children cope with becoming children of divorce? 

• Should she hire a shark and seek a pound of flesh? Her friends were telling her to make him pay for his infidelity. 

• Should he hire a shark to make sure that his guilt did not convince him to agree to a settlement that he could not afford?

 As I watched the couple whirl through their questions reflecting all of their hurts, their fears, their uncertainties, I was struck by the very sad truth that at the end of the day, at the bottom of all that hurt and betrayal and distrust, both the husband and the wife really just wanted their old life back. 

I do not know how any couple overcomes the breach of adultery. I especially did not know if this couple had whatever it takes to make such reconciliation possible. But I knew that this husband and this wife, notwithstanding the hostility and anger they felt at the moment, otherwise were decent, caring, honest people who were slogging their way through the worst patch of their lives. 

If they could not save their marriage, they deserved to find a way to move beyond the anger and the hurt to a place where they could treat each other (and be treated by the other) with civility and respect, and where they could find some peace in their new lives and new identities as ex-spouses and co-parents. 

So, is there a better way? Is there a way to divorce that not only promises, but delivers more civility and respect? And if so, what are the costs? Is it safe for the wife to trust her cheating husband to behave honorably in divorce negotiations? Can the husband engage in voluntary settlement negotiations with his guilty conscience without getting taken to the cleaners? Is it possible to negotiate the dissolution of the marriage without magnifying the most damaging and destructive aspects of the couple's dynamic? Is it realistic, given the anger and hostility between the husband wife now, to expect them to treat each other with civility and respect? 

Collaborative divorce is an alternative approach to the traditional combative divorce. Collaborative divorce engages divorcing couples outside of the courtroom in an open, supportive, lower-conflict environment. Collaborative divorce focuses on helping couples find shared solutions - solutions that take into account what is important and acceptable to the wife AND what is important and acceptable to the husband. In the Collaborative Process, the husband and wife each have the support of their own lawyer in the room. Collaborative lawyers help the couple identify what is most important to them and then help them advocate for those goals with civility and respect. 

In the Collaborative process, the couple also has the option to call on trained Financial Professionals to help both the parties collect, organize and understand their financial circumstances. In this way, the wife can rely on facts and full understanding of her actual budget when evaluating decisions about alimony and child support. And both parties can assess whether a particular settlement is affordable before agreeing to its terms. 

The couple may also call upon mental health professionals who serve as Divorce Coaches who help the parties keep their settlement discussions safe and productive and also help the parties manage the emotions that accompany divorce negotiations. Divorce Coaches may help the wife understand how better managing her own anger in settlement meetings will help the meeting proceed (and thus end) more quickly. And the husband may learn how to speak up about what is important to him, notwithstanding how guilty he feels about his contribution to the breakdown in the marriage. 

Mental health professionals also may serve as Child Specialists, who provide special insight and information about the needs and concerns of the parties' children. Child Specialists may help the wife remember that notwithstanding how her husband betrayed her, the children still love and respect him as their dad and that the children have much to gain, and the wife has nothing to lose by allowing the children to feel free to love both parents unconditionally. 

Collaborative divorce focuses on helping the divorcing couple and their family move beyond the divorce and forward with their lives. In this way, getting through divorce can be a little less painful. My secret hope for this couple is that with the support of a Collaborative team, the husband might find the safety to tell his wife that in losing her he has already lost what mattered most to him in the world and that he is devastated because all the money in the world cannot buy that back. And that the wife might then find the nerve to admit that she does not know how to forgive him and maintain her dignity as a woman and as his wife. And that together, they might find the courage to explore whether they have what it takes to repair their marriage. 

But even if they do not, I am confident that the Collaborative Process will give them the best possible opportunity to move through the divorce negotiations with grace, support and respect so that one day they will be able to fathom their future as ex-spouses and co-parents feeling a little more calm and settled about their past, feeling proud of how they handled this horrible moment in their lives, and in the end, feeling a little more hopeful about their future.

Barbara A. Burr, JD, is a lawyer specializing in family matters who represents parties in Collaborative Divorce, traditional round-table negotiation, mediation and litigation.  Barbara helped found the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals, she is a member of the Collaborative Dispute Resolution Professionals, in Montgomery County, Maryland, and she teaches courses on Collaborative Practice through Collaborative Practice Training Institute (CPTI).