DCACP Blog

An article starting on the front page of the Washington Post for January 8^th stated that President Obama and the leaders of the branches of the US military, the National Security Council and the Secretary of Defense utilized “an astonishingly open and positive collaborative process” to arrive at agreement as to the “size, scope and mission of the armed forces in a new age of austerity.”  This agreement with the country’s military leaders puts the President in a strong position when his defense budget goes to Congress.

President Obama’s process has many areas of commonality with the Collaborative process we Collaborative practitioners use with divorcing couples and other parties seeking an effective process to assist them in resolving their issues.  First, experienced parties on both sides, particularly Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and National Security Advisor Thomas Donilon, structured and guided the process.  The group sat around a set of tables arranged in a square.  The group identified a common goal (to ensure that cuts in military spending would remain consistent with the country’s changing national security priorities and to build a strategic rational to defend those choices to Congress), and then identified choices (read  “options”) that addressed the goal.  The meetings continued, with choices being generated and evaluated until buy-in was achieved and consensus was reached.  It was apparent that Secretary of Defense Panetta, in particular and in contrast to his predecessors, was able to let go of the outcome and to strive instead for consensus.  “Panetta has been very collaborative,” a senior military officer said.

Perhaps there is hope for our country if Collaboration has reached even this entrenched part of our national decision-making process.  

-Mary S. Pence

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict

- Dorothy Thompson

So you and your spouse have decided to engage in the collaborative process and you have both retained attorneys, along with mental health professionals who will serve as divorce coaches.  You have discussed the use of other professionals and understand that they may be brought in to the process if it seems appropriate.  Now what happens?  What can you expect?  What will be expected of you and your spouse?   What can you expect of the professionals you have engaged?

 Much of the literature describes collaborative practice as being a more civilized way to resolve disputes.  It offers parties the opportunity to explore their own needs and interests and find solutions that meet the needs of the entire family.  And, the agreements that are reached tend to be more lasting, durable agreements.   All true, but that does not mean that it is an easy process.   There is conflict at the heart of divorce and that conflict should be  acknowledged and addressed.  What collaborative practice offers is the prospect of identifying and working through that conflict with the help and support of experienced professionals.

And, with those professionals, couples can prepare for conflict,  become aware of their own conflict styles and develop skills for effectively resolving conflict.  These skills are  invaluable- not just in reaching an agreement now but in the future- continuing to co-parent together, through birthdays, holidays, marriages and other passages of life.     

So, working with the basic premise conflict is inevitable and that it can be addressed in a productive fashion, here are three tips.  

1. Trust the professionals and be honest with them.  If you will allow your lawyer and coach to be honest with you, they can be of enormous help in working through a conflict.  Take for example a common issue in divorce, which is who will stay in the family home.   There is the court-based solution,  win-lose, that is one party stays in the home and the other needs to create a new home for his or her self.  Or, even a lose-lose solution, in which the home is sold and the proceeds divided, but now both parties have to create new homes.  But, what if each of you is asked to think about the following:   how did you arrive at your decision, what factors did you consider and weigh, what other ideas did you consider, what information did you rely on, do you know  whether the other’s position is fixed or flexible, have you talked with others and was there agreement or disagreement with your idea.    You may be surprised to learn that you and your partner want the same thing for very different reasons.  Once you have examined what is important to both of you, the opening is there to find shared solutions that meet both of your needs.  
2. Practice non-defensive communication skills.    Often, instead of listening, we try to defend ourselves and offer explanations for our behavior.  Or, when we feel we are being criticized, we respond with a counter-criticism.  The following conversation may seem familiar to you:
   

   Husband:   I tuned out because you nagged me.
   Wife:  I nagged you because you tuned out.
   

   Instead of reacting immediately with a counter-attack, try to take a step back.  Ask the other person what he or she meant.   If the Wife asks Husband what he meant by his statement, he might say, “I always felt as though you were  criticizing me when you asked me if I had completed something you had asked me to do and rather than getting angry, I tried to pretend that I didn’t  feel anything.”  Being non-defensive does not mean that you are defenseless.    If you can respond non-defensively, simply asking for more information and clarification, rather than engaging in a counter-attack, the conversation can take a very constructive turn.  
3. Pay attention to your own conflict resolution style and be open to learning new ways.  Dr.  John Gottman, a renowned expert in marital stability and divorce prediction, studied hundreds of married couples.  He observed that many try to solve conflict in the same way that their families did.   One of the problems in your marriage might have been due to you and your partner  trying to resolve every conflict the same way, with little success- and the ensuing conflict just became more and more frustrating.   Engaging in the collaborative process can be an opportunity to learn  new ways of  having a difficult conversation.   Again, conflict will not disappear but it can be the basis of building something new.   It isn’t so much that you and your  partner  change your behaviors, but rather that you learn a different way of relating to one another that is more productive, thoughtful and peaceful. 

Divorce can be a scary, painful time.  It can be difficult to look to the future rather than re-hash the past.   There may be deep conflicts that partners would rather forget than resolve.  There is an African proverb, “smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.”    If you can face your conflict, it does not have to be a win-lose proposition.   With the collaborative process, a new, more satisfying  dance can be created.   

Andrea Hirsch is a family lawyer in Washington, D.C.  Trained in mediation and collaborative practice, she actively promotes these alternate forms of dispute resolution. Andrea is a founding member of the  Collaborative Dispute Resolution Professionals and the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals and in   2010, Andrea became a co-founder and principal of the Collaborative Practice Center of Greater Washington. 

For many people, one of the most painful and anxiety-producing aspects of their decision to divorce is concern about the impact on their children.  Will the children feel abandoned? Betrayed? Angry? Grief-stricken? Will they feel stigmatized in their community? Will they be tortured by a life disrupted by frequent transitions between houses?  Will their capacity to form loving relationships in the future be compromised?  While these are natural questions, the research is clear: your divorce will always be a sad memory for your children and a pivotal event in their lives, but it need not be a bad developmental turning point.  If you can protect your children from conflict between you and your ex, and if the two of you can mutually support your children in having a full, rich relationship with both of you, your kids can do fine.

Still, divorce inevitably brings with it a massive change in the status quo-- disruptions to known routines, losses, and a plethora of attendant feelings-- including sadness, anger, confusion, grief, and (sometimes) relief.  In many ways, life as your family has known it is gone-- and it takes time for everyone to settle into a “new normal.” You’ll inevitably notice that, like you, your children are on an emotional roller coaster.  Some acting out, regressive behaviors and enhanced emotional sensitivity are to be expected in the wake of their parents’ separation.  So how do you know when your child’s difficulties are of the ordinary sort (and likely to settle down on their own) and when your child could benefit from psychotherapy? Here are some clues that it’s time to get a consultation:

• Problems with eating or sleeping (including nightmares that don’t go away)
• Excessive difficulties with separation
• A consistently sad or melancholy mood
• Physical complaints with no distinguishable cause (such as headaches or stomach aches) that don’t go away with reassurance
• Disinterest in friends or trouble getting along with peers
• Bullying/ being bullied
• Deteriorating school performance
• Difficulty concentrating
• The new appearance of agitation or fidgetiness
• Extreme or unrealistic fears/phobias
• Excessive or public masturbation
• Accident proneness
• Decrease in self-esteem
• Fatigue or apathy
• Excessive weight loss or weight gain
• Aggressive behaviors toward self or others (such as biting, hitting, or scratching)
• Cruel behaviors (such as torturing animals)
• Risky or acting out behaviors (such as lighting fires)
• Constant rudeness and “talking back”
• Defiance of authority (such as disregard for schools rules, skipping school, or ignoring curfew)
• Heavy drinking
• Drug use
• Stealing
• Excessive lying
• The appearance of obsessive or compulsive rituals (such as hand-washing or pulling out hair)
• Preoccupation with death
• The wish to die (IMPORTANT NOTE: IF YOUR CHILD EXPRESSES A FEELING THAT LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING GET HELP RIGHT AWAY-- DO NOT TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO DETERMINE IF THIS IS A “REAL” OR “SERIOUS” PROBLEM)

Finally, here are some tips for helping to prepare your child to see a therapist for the first time, as well as some ways you can support your child in having a successful therapeutic experience.

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR THERAPY: THE 5 KEY ELEMENTS:

1)  Wait for a calm moment.  Don’t raise the issue of therapy when either of you is angry or upset, especially following an argument or crisis (such as a child running away).  If she’s riled up, your daughter won’t be able to take in what you’re saying.  And if you’re angry, she’s likely to think of therapy as a punishment.

2)  Identify the problem.  Tell your child what you see that has you worried for him.  You might say, “Honey, I know you’ve been getting into a lot of fights at school.” Or: Daddy and I have noticed that you’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.

3)  Offer compassion.  Tell your child you know he’s been unhappy and you want to help.  For example, say “It must be really hard to have the other kids angry at you.” Or: “Nightmares can be really scary.  No one likes to be scared.”

4)  Explain therapy. Once you’ve identified the problem and offered compassion, tell your child you’ve been to see someone who can help.  You might say something like: “Sometimes when children like you feel scared a lot of the time, it helps to go to a person whose job it is to help kids understand their feelings and worries by talking and playing about them.  Daddy and I went to meet a person like that last week.  Her name is Dr. Kelly and she’s really nice.  She’s a kind of doctor for feelings, not for your body.  We think if you met with her a few times, it might help you to understand why you’ve been having those nightmares. Then you won’t have to feel scared anymore.”

5)  Don’t get discouraged. No matter how gentle you are, your child may become angry or defensive.  He may say, “There’s nothing wrong with me,” or “I don’t get nightmares anymore.” Remain calm and stay the course.  Just say, “Ok, well if you and Dr. Kelly decide that you’re not scared anymore, Daddy and I will be very happy.  But we love you, and for now this is what we think is best.”

TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD SUCCEED IN THERAPY:

1)  Don’t “grill” your child after sessions. It’s a tall order, but try to resist the urge to ask your child for reports on his therapy.  Questions like “What did you and Dr. Kelly talk about today?” are likely to meet with either silence or an answer designed to please you.  It’s much better to let your child’s therapy be a private place, and to use your meetings with the therapist to get the information you need.

2)  Remind your child that she has therapy as a resource, but don’t harp on it.  When issues or difficulties come up for your child, there’s nothing wrong with gently suggesting that she talk about them in therapy.  For example, if your daughter gets in a fight at school, you could say “You know, honey, if you feel like talking with Dr. Kelly about what happened, she might be able to help you with the problems you’re having on the playground.” But try not to bring therapy up too often, or your child will feel you’re intruding.  If there’s something you want your child’s therapist to know, the best bet may be to call her yourself.  It’s best to inform your child beforehand, though, so he won’t feel the adults are conspiring.

3)  Don’t use therapy as a threat or form of discipline.  A comment like “If you don’t start cooperating I’m going to tell Dr. Kelly” is counterproductive.  A better one would be: “Lately it’s been really hard for you to cooperate with me and Mommy.  I think it would be a good idea for us to talk to Dr. Kelly about ways we can all get along better.”

Kate Scharff, LICSW, LCSW-C

Ms. Scharff is a child, adult, and family psychotherapist, divorce consultant, mediator, and Collaborative Practitioner/trainer.  She is the President of the DC Academy of Collaborative Professionals, a founder and Principal of the Collaborative Practice Center of Greater Washington, and the author of two books: “Therapy Demystified: An Insider’s Guide to Getting the Right Help,” and “Navigating Emotional Currents in Collaborative Divorce: A Guide to Enlightened Team Practice.”